Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Mein Kampfs

I've been thinking for a long time that I want to write a book. This thought has come to me in various forms throughout the years. Sometimes I'm inspired by events happening in my life, sometimes I'm inspired by reading through my old Facebook statuses and basking in how funny I am, and sometimes (most of the time) when I realize that my family has an insane amount really ridiculous stories that I think the world ought to hear. This last bit is confirmed for me constantly when I casually mention to people that, for instance, my maternal grandfather was adopted by his own mother, or that my last name is Mosbarger due solely to a step-parent adoption situation and that my actual lineage last name would have been DeJesus, but we really don't talk about it due to family secrets (that involve, of all things, the Portuguese Olympic soccer team and tenuous mob ties). Naturally people are quite intrigued.

The beauty of putting these stories in a book as opposed to a blog is that while a blog gives you more instant gratification, it also enables the subjects of the stories to read them fairly immediately and then they can do things like complain and demand that you take unflattering portrayals of them (that you painstakingly crafted) off the internet. And you pretty much have to, or you run the risk of your mom calling and telling you that maybe you went a bit too far. Speaking of my mom, the other really great part of book writing versus blog writing is that mostly everything I know about either side of my family I've gotten out of her, which means the truth is dubious at best. I mean, I'm sure that everything she's told me is mostly true, but how can she possibly know with certainty the truth about things that happened on my dad's side of the family before either of us were born? Even if they are hilarious? With a book, no one except your editor knows what you've written until the unsavory details have been published and by then it's way too late for anyone to protest. Unless they sue, I guess.

Unrelated to this post, really. But who could sue these cutie patooties?!

Unfortunately, in this day and age, in order to get a book deal you basically either have to have a really successful blog and/or twitter feed, or be a Real Housewife of Cedar Rapids, Iowa (or whatever most recent godawful creation Andy Cohen has drunkenly concocted). And so, I'm recommitting to Blatheration. Again. But for real this time. BOOK DEAL, HERE I COME. WATCH OUT, OPRAH!

Addendum: Perhaps you were wondering about the title? No, relax, I'm not a closet Nazi. I started using this phrase when I was choreographing high school musicals a few years ago because I'm morbid and I thought it was funny. Por ejemplo, I would stop a number and announce to my students:

"STOP. You guys! ERGH. Okay. Here is mein kampf. You all look like you're dancing with Urinary Tract Infections. Please be better."

Usually I would throw out the "Mein Kampf" part so casually that no one would catch it, or if they did catch it they wouldn't have time to get the reference because they were high schoolers and their brains weren't fully formed yet. But eventually, after one or two times of doing this, my Oldest Child Responsibility Guilt would kick in and I would get really afraid that I was going to offend someone. So I stopped doing it unless I was in the comfort of my own home, because it's only Ricky there and he's seen into the depths of my soul and already knows I'm going to hell. Except for then that bastard stole my joke and started using it in public and now everyone thinks he thought of it - and I won't stand for that. So I'm using it as the title of this post both because it is a post detailing my current struggles and as a way to reclaim my morbid turn-of-phrase from my joke stealing fiance. I'm the culturally insensitive person in this relationship and don't any of you forget it.

5 comments:

  1. How to restore a broken relationship and marriage ,Love Spells That Really Work Fast

    My name is Mark Davis, my family and i live in NY USA.It was after seven years i got to discover that my wife was unfaithful to me.I didn't know what was going on at first but as she got deep in the affair with her new lover, i felt that our marriage was on the rocks.I notice that she no longer light up when i touch her or kiss her in her neck and her chest cos she really liked it when i did that, she also usually get naked in front of me but when she started seeing that guy she stopped it.I remember asking her if i have done anything that makes her feel irritated when i am around her then she gives silly excuses that she has been feeling stressed up and that she need space for a while.I know when you are been asked for space its usually because there is something fishy is going on.I hired a private investigator to help find out what was going on.And in a week time he brought me prove that my wife that i have lived with for seven straight year is cheating on me with her high school lover.I had picture of her walking out a of a restaurant with him and many other photo of them kissing in public like she will never be caught by someone that knows she is my wife.I asked myself, even when we had a daughter together she could this to me.That same night i showed her the pictures that i got from my private investigator.She didn't look at it before saying, that she is seeing someone and she know that i just found out about it.Then she said that she is in love with him.At that moment, i didn't know if to kill myself or to kill her but the button line is that if i was going to kill anyone it was going to be me cos i was so much in love with her to even think of thinking to hurt her.As time when on she asked for a divorce and got it and even got custody of our daughter and i was all alone by myself.For a year i tried all i could to get her back with the help of my seven year old daughter.Even at that all effect was in vain, i used the help of her friend but turned out all bad.I know most people don't believe in spell casting but believe me this was my last option and the result i most say was impressive.And i know it difficult to believe but A SPELL CASTER Dr brave really made my life much better cos he gave me my family back.He didn't ask me to pay for what he did for me all i was to do, was to provide the materials for the spell and believe that he had the power to help me.Like he said, he was going to do something that will make her reset her love and affection for me just as it has always been.My wife told me she woke up and realized that she should have never left me that i am all she needs.To make thing clear, her life with her high school lover was great before Dr brave castled the spell they had no disagreement on anything.The guy said it himself that why she broke up with him is unexplainable.Only Dr.Brave can do such a thing contact him to solve your problem with his email:bravespellcaster@gmail.com ,or kindly visit he website http://bravespellcaster.yolasite.com .CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MY HUSBAND IS BACK AND MY SON IS HEALED oshogumspelltemple@live.com

      It was so very painful when my husband left me in pain of pregnancy. It was only through the help of Dr oshogum that i could get my husband back after two years of separation. After i gave birth to my son then i decided to look for how to get my husband aback because i love him so much and i needed his help to get raise our sick child. So, When i read how Dr oshogum helped different persons to get their ex back, cure all kind of diseases, help people to win lottery, heal addict and give solutions of depressed people. Then i contacted him immediately with (oshogumspelltemple@live.com) and i explain my problems to him of my sick child and my lost husband to Dr Oshogum and he ask me to buy few item which i did and sens me a parcel to treat my son and also get my husband back. Just after two days my husband called me on phone and he came home apologizing for his mistakes. Together we consecrate and use the same parcel of medicine to treat our son. I am glad to tell every body that our son is healed and my husband love us so much. Contact Dr oshogum Via his Email: oshogumspelltemple@live.com for help

      1) Love Spells
      2) Lost Love Spells
      3) Divorce Spells
      4) Marriage Spells
      5) Binding Spell.
      6) Breakup Spells
      7) Banish a past Lover
      8.) You want to be promoted in your office/ Lottery spell
      9) want to satisfy your lover
      10) Cure Herbs
      11) Cure HIV and Cancer
      12) Help to cure Addict Problem
      13) Pregnancy Solutions
      If you have any problem in life, simply contact him VIA email: oshogumspelltemple@live.com to get instant solutions to your problem
      contact oshogum now with oshogumspelltemple@live.com

      Delete
  2. <--- that's nasty. here's a much better one, one you won't find at Walgreens for $5.99...

    Greeting, earthling. Not sure if we're on the same page if you saw what I saw. Because I was an actual NDE on the outskirts of the Great Beyond at 15 yet wasn’t allowed in, lemme share with you what I actually know Seventh-Heaven’s Big-Bang’s gonna be like for us if ya believe/accept: meet this ultra-bombastic, ex-mortal-Upstairs for the most extra-blatant, catch-22-excitotoxxins, guhroovaliciousnessly delicious, pleasure-beyond-measure, Ultra-Idyllic/Firepower/Sexy addiction in the Great Beyond for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy, robust-N-risqué, eternal-real-McCoy-warp-drive you DO NOT wanna miss the sink-your-teeth-in-the-rrrock’nNsmmmokin’-hot-deal: PLEASE KEEP HANDS/FEET INSIDE THE WIDE UNTIL WE MADE A CIRCUMFERENCE OF the OUTSTANDING, NEVER-ENDING, THRILLIONTH-RED-MARKER-POSSIBILITIES!!! Puh-leeeze meet me Upstairs. Do that for us. Cya soon, girl…

    ReplyDelete
  3. MY HUSBAND IS BACK AND MY SON IS HEALED oshogumspelltemple@live.com

    It was so very painful when my husband left me in pain of pregnancy. It was only through the help of Dr oshogum that i could get my husband back after two years of separation. After i gave birth to my son then i decided to look for how to get my husband aback because i love him so much and i needed his help to get raise our sick child. So, When i read how Dr oshogum helped different persons to get their ex back, cure all kind of diseases, help people to win lottery, heal addict and give solutions of depressed people. Then i contacted him immediately with (oshogumspelltemple@live.com) and i explain my problems to him of my sick child and my lost husband to Dr Oshogum and he ask me to buy few item which i did and sens me a parcel to treat my son and also get my husband back. Just after two days my husband called me on phone and he came home apologizing for his mistakes. Together we consecrate and use the same parcel of medicine to treat our son. I am glad to tell every body that our son is healed and my husband love us so much. Contact Dr oshogum Via his Email: oshogumspelltemple@live.com for help

    1) Love Spells
    2) Lost Love Spells
    3) Divorce Spells
    4) Marriage Spells
    5) Binding Spell.
    6) Breakup Spells
    7) Banish a past Lover
    8.) You want to be promoted in your office/ Lottery spell
    9) want to satisfy your lover
    10) Cure Herbs
    11) Cure HIV and Cancer
    12) Help to cure Addict Problem
    13) Pregnancy Solutions
    If you have any problem in life, simply contact him VIA email: oshogumspelltemple@live.com to get instant solutions to your problem
    contact oshogum now with oshogumspelltemple@live.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm 55-year-old from Korean, I was diagnosed with second-stage liver cancer following a scheduled examination to monitor liver cirrhosis. I had lost a lot of weight. A CT scan revealed three tumors; one in the center of my liver in damaged tissue and two in healthy portions of my liver. No chemotherapy or radiotherapy treatment was prescribed due to my age, the number of liver tumors. One month following my diagnosis I began taking 12 (350 point) Salvestrol supplements per day, commensurate with my body weight. This comprised six Salvestrol Shield (350 point) capsules and six Salvestrol Gold (350 point) capsules, spread through the day by taking two of each capsule after each main meal. This level of Salvestrol supplementation (4,000 points per day) was maintained for four months. In addition, I began a program of breathing exercises, chi exercises, meditation, stretching and stress avoidance. Due to the variety of conditions that I suffered from, I received ongoing medical examinations. Eleven months after commencing Salvestrol supplementation But all invalid so I keep searching for a herbal cure online that how I came across a testimony appreciating Dr Itua on how he cured her HIV/Herpes, I contacted him through email he listed above, Dr Itua sent me his herbal medicine for cancer to drink for two weeks to cure I paid him for the delivering then I received my herbal medicine and drank it for two weeks and I was cured until now I'm all clear of cancer, I will advise you to contact Dr Itua Herbal Center On Email...drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com. WhatsApps Number...+2348149277967. If you are suffering from Diseases listed below, Cancer, HIV/Aids, Herpes Virus, Hepatitis, Chronic Illness. Lupus,Fibromyalgia.

    ReplyDelete