1. Jo Jeffery – I’ve known Jo since high
school, and she’s been friends with Ricky since, like, first grade so she’s one
of those people who is obviously never going to be out of my life. She’s half
Puerto Rican and I’m half Spanish-mutt, so somehow we look vaguely enough alike
that people occasionally think we’re related. Except that she’s smaller, and
her face is prettier, and she tans way better than me. She has lupus, so she
never has to work out and is naturally a size zero. Also, because of the Puerto
Rican thing she still manages to have a butt and boobs bigger than mine, so it’s
not like a sickly lupus size zero, it’s a sexy size zero. It’s the worst (I guess
having lupus probably sucks, but still). Additionally, she’s charming and does
nice things that I would never even think of, like texting Ricky to remind him
of my half birthday (I never in my life celebrated my half birthday). Also, she’s
good at a lot of things I’m not good at, for example, using tools for their
intended purposes and hanging out with straight men.
2. Ricky – Having a boyfriend like Ricky makes it
really hard for me to relate to other girls and I think it’s starting to negatively
impact my female friendships. He cooks for me on a regular basis. He almost
always puts the toilet seat down. He’s never cheated on me. He takes me out to
dinner all the time and I never have to pay. He’s a stand-up guy who loves his
mom and is nice to his sister. He will cuddle for as long as I want to. I have
literally nothing to gossip about. Thanks for nothing Ricky.
3. Ryan Bohannon – Ryan Bohannon is an
enabler and I want everyone to know it. In his presence I have engaged in a
number of disgusting activities that I would never have done on my own and I’m
pretty sure it’s all his fault. We have used Taco Time burritos to sign our
names on important documents. We have used our own sweat to draw pictures on
the floor, reaching into our clothes to gain access to the best under arm
and/or under boob sweat pockets. We have seriously discussed sitting my bathtub
with water in our mouths trying to see who can make the other person laugh
first and therefore spray mouth water everywhere as a legitimate and
appropriate way to spend a Friday night. If someone doesn’t intervene, pretty
soon we’re just going to be naked and homeless, laughing maniacally to
ourselves as we make poop cupcakes. Ryan Bohannon, I hope you die.*
4. The Pope – As many of you know, one of
my favorite pastimes is being indignant about political and social issues. If I
can be indignant and self-righteous at the same time, so much the better. That
is why I freaking loved Pope Benedict XVI. I apologize if I’m offending any
Catholics, but that guy was actually the worst. He went to South Africa in 2005 and announced
that condoms “aggravate the problem of AIDS”, he really hates gay people, and
he directly facilitated the biggest pedophile cover-up ever in the history of
ever. I mean, if those things don’t make your blood boil, then you’re a soulless
monster. With Pope Benny, I could basically be outraged 24/7 if I wanted to.
You know what Pope Francis has done so far? Refused to live in the Apostolic
Palace in favor of more modest accommodations, decided that atheists can get
into heaven after all (thanks!), and joined Twitter. C’mon Francis. You know I
can’t work with that.
5. My Dad – For my entire life my dad has
made a ridiculous effort to be into all of my interests and hobbies. When I was
little he coached my indoor soccer team. When it became clear that sports were
not my forte, he attended every ballet recital and band concert. He has even
auditioned for and participated in a number of musical theater productions so
that we could do activities together despite not being able to carry a tune in
a bucket. My dad has PhD in aerospace engineering and was so excited that I was
taking physics in college that he immediately went to the library and got a
bunch of physics texts books and made me my very own study guide. It was
adorable. And thanks to him I have grown up into a very well-adjusted adult
woman with no Daddy-issues. Everyone knows the most successful actresses are
loaded with Daddy-issues. Congrats on ruining my career, Dad.
6. My (ex)Boss – Today is my last day at
work, so Judy isn’t going to be my boss anymore and that is just the worst.
Judy wears bedazzled jeans and very fancy flip flops to work. She always has
the best nails. In February she took a week off to go to Cabo, got drunk in the
airport and spent the entire week texting my team pictures of a stuffed monkey.
When my company decided that I was a super duper temp and wanted to hire me on
permanently, Judy forgot about the five different conference rooms our building
has and pulled me into a supply closet to offer me the job. She is chill and relaxed, but also knows how to get the job done. She spends her days kicking ass and taking names while simultaneously rocking some wicked hair and listening to AC/DC. Judy has raised the
bar so high on my expectations for bosses that I’m sure to only be disappointed
in the future. Thanks a lot, Judy.
7. Krista Gibbons – Krista Gibbons is
literally the most adorable person in the whole world and there is nothing anyone
can do about it. She’s super nice and sweet and funny and a little bit ditzy,
but ditzy because she chooses to forget everything bad about the world and only
focuses on sunshine and rainbows instead of being ditzy from any true form of
stupidity. Once she admitted that she didn’t know what the KKK was, and when
reminded about it she confessed that she thought it was an imaginary thing and
could never remember if white people were in the KKK or black people. Had
anyone else in the world announced this I would’ve been horrified, but with
Krista we just laughed and laughed and patted her on the head. That’s how sweet
she is. Oh, and also she’s a model. I KNOW.
8. My Sister, Maggie Mosbarger – Maggie is seven
years younger and is completely disrespecting our birth order. As the oldest
child, it is assumed that I will take on the role of “cool, older, big sister”
but Maggie has been dominating me in the cool-department since she was in 6th
grade. In middle school she was her school’s mascot. She plays the guitar,
piano, ukulele, and tuba. She raps. She is really good at popping and locking.
Her real-life run looks like a chicken on meth and she totally owns it. I can’t
compete with that.
9. Chris Brown – I legitimately hate Chris
Brown.
10. My mom – My mom is probably the worst
out of everyone. When I was three she plopped me down in front of “Singing in
the Rain” and I never looked back. Together we watched everything that Gene
Kelly ever made before moving on to geniuses like Michael Kidd and Jerome
Robbins. That same year she put me in ballet lessons without my consent. I
mean, technically she claims she asked me if I wanted to take ballet, but c’mon.
I was three. I didn’t even know what ballet really was. Through her encouragement
I was groomed to be obsessed with musical theater and have never wanted to do
anything else with my time – thus dooming me to a life of disappointment and
poverty. I’m pretty smart. I could’ve probably been a mildly successful lawyer
or doctor or something. I could’ve made money, had my own insurance plan and
saved for retirement. But no, I’m a grown woman who spends her days perfecting
her Jazz Hands. I hope you’re happy Mom.
*Please don’t
actually die.
